Friends are not something that I have easily come by in life. I remember when I was growing up, as a defense mechanism, I would always say aloud and to myself, “I don’t care. I don’t need any friends. I don’t need anybody.” See, as a kid, for whatever reason I always felt neglected and left out. My sister would bully me (like all big sisters do), we moved around so much that it was impossible to stay friends for a long time, and I just never really seemed to fit in. I always wanted to be apart of the “girly girls” in elementary school, the preps in middle school, and just the popular girls in high school. I was never invited out very much, the friends I did have seemed to like their other friends more than they liked me, and I just never really connected with anybody.
In college things got better. I was actually pretty popular, people liked me (and hated me lol), I made new friends, and even joined a sorority where I had a bunch of girls who were now my friends and sisters. But to this day, most of the connections that I made in college are no longer existent. My line sisters are people that I still keep in contact with occasionally, but I wouldn’t describe our relationship as close friends. We talk sometimes but hardly about anything deeper than a surface level or an update on each others’ lives. I met an amazing group of young women in graduate school, but we no longer talk either. And the one friend that I had since 2011 just recently decided that we probably should be friends anymore. So let’s just say… I don’t have any friends.
So with this last friendship, I normally would fight for somebody to be my friend. But I honestly just didn’t have it in me. If somebody doesn’t want to be my friend then I’m okay with that. Today I found myself saying again, “I don’t need any friends. I don’t need anybody.” And these two sentences serve as both comfort and a sad, depressing affirmation. The truth is, I do wish I had friends. I don’t know how to maintain friendships, partly because I’m so emotional and I will randomly be a recluse for months, and people don’t understand why I just disappear. The truth is, I do get lonely and feel like nobody cares about me (but me). But then I think about my family, I think about the message that my line sister sent me letting me know I’m loved, and I think about the reason I may be alone.
Perhaps it’s not the right time for me to be surrounded with friends. Everything happens in divine order, and I know that when the time is right, I will develop friendships that feed my spirit. For now, I know I must appreciate and nurture the relationships that I do have. So… I appreciate my family, I appreciate the few times me and my line sisters talk, and I appreciate all of my old friendships that are no more.
I feel like this was just unnecessarily long and didn’t really have much of a point, but I guess I just wanted to write it out. Sometimes when we are feeling depressed we can think that we are alone and we feel like nobody cares. That’s when we need to think about all of the people we have in our lives, and usually we will see that there are plethora of people who do love us, care about us, and have made us smile several times. We are never truly alone, and when we are happy with ourselves, we will bring joy into our friendships with others.